OUSTING BECOMES FASHIONABLE

While I was away, It became fashionable in Kenyan political parties to oust leaders of the parties and replace them with others. Very primitive behaviour by our politicians but then again, what do you expect from them? The Biwott camp hastily replaced Uhuru as the chairman of KANU and for some reason, the Registrar of Societies registered the impostors with curious speed.
Then came Soita Shitanda and he too convened his meeting and had him placed as the new FORD K chairman. Musikari Kombo promptly sought an injunction from the courts which he got, barring the ‘new’ officials from assuming office. They are set to fight it out in our especially effective courts.
Ngilu is up next according to the list and she had better watch out ama she is going the same way. Just what is wrong with Kenyan political parties that internal democracy seems such a foreign word to them? And I watched with amusement as one Shitanda proclaimed on tv that he had replaced Kombo and went on to explain why. Only in Kenyan politics I tell you. In the meantime we are hearing that the constitution is this or the other. More than the 100 days the government promised us a constitution in when they took over, they are trying to make up their mind whether its minimum or comprehensive reforms they want? Gimme a break.

MP loses seat(like I care)!

Magarini MP Harrison Kombe has lost his seat. I feel nothing for him really but am having issues with the whole affair. And it has everyhting to do with how my money is going to be used in it. We have just barely 11 months to the damn general elction. It takes quite a bit of unnecessarylogistics to pull off.

For starters, the speaker as to be served with the necessary documents for hm to declare the seat vacant. Then there is the mudslinging period otherwise known as the campaigns where the candidates throw mud on each other. When they finally get elected, the winner will have less than 6 months in office! Honestly why do we need this?

68 More MPs? Gimme a break

Some steering committee or the other has recommended that the number of MPs should be raised by 68! Am at my wit's end here to even try to understand why we need this. In my view, one MP per province are eight too many. Honestly.

One teacher or nurse is far more important than all of Nairobi's eight MPs, and am trying to be polite here. I really am. Indeed, one school is far more important than parliament. And will we be able to afford these ne'er do gooders? NO.

Kalembe does it again

I have always maintained that Kalembe Ndile irritates me a lot. Whenever he opens his mouth to speak, be sure he will say something stupid. Really stupid. I always thought it had nothing to do with his ignorance, sorry lack of education. Now I am doubtful. Ok, Kalembe I hope you are proud of yourself, you earned yourself 'favourable' mention again in the Kenyan Hater.

Anyway, I was watching TV this tme and Kalembe comes on. I prepared myself for something outrageous but nothing could have prepared me for what he said. In case you missed it, he actually said with a straight face that....(drums)...ODM-K is funded by the Al Qaeda movement of Osama. Talk about taking ignorance to a new level, Kalembe just takes the cap.

I do not need to do a dissertation on this one for you to understand the absurdity of it all. Much as the utterly despicable and annoying ODM-K crowd may be getting their funding from outside forces, the idea of being in links with a terrorist organization is just beyond me.

I think it is also the same day that the PCEA moderator alleged that 67% of MPs(or something like that) visit witchdoctors. If I even comment on this one. I reduce myself to such low levels.

Who needs MPs?

I am one of those who is convinced we do not need MPs. At all. The average MP(all of them are) puts in between 13-15 hours of work daily. Now take my primary school teacher. When I was in class 7 and 8, we went to school a cool 7 days a week. He puts in about 56 hrs a week and gets paid an avergae 11,000 shs a month. The nurse probably works longest and gets paid just a little more than the teacher.

Enter the MP. First they think they are doing the world a favour by just being in it.And so lazy they haven’t even bothered to have their website updated. They work 13-15 hours a week and most of the time they are not even in the house anyway. The only reason we have MPs is because somebody has to earn that money. Period.

In my view, one teacher is more important than all the 222 Mps put together. Of course there are a few honourable man and women in the house but the rest are just plain useless. They only know how to pick on each other for personal gains in front of the TV cameras. I wonder what their children think of them.

GITHONGO'S LATEST

I am dismayed everyday by the things that happen in Kenya. John Githongo is a very tired man. Just this week when he thought the Arturs had had enough attention, he delivered another piece. KACC director Ringera had asked him to ‘go slow’ on the corruption in Kenya. See, the former PS has made it his career to discuss grand corruption in Kenya at conferences around Western capitals. And he titles it well too: “…a whistleblower’s account.” In addition to being an academic staff at some English university, it pays for his stay in his self-imposed exile. Not that it’s not necessary, he was warned by the same Ringera not to return any time soon as it would be unsafe for them. By the way, Ringera is the anti-corruption body director. Somebody please define the meaning corruption for me for it seems it just got changed while I wasn’t looking. And that wasn’t all either, he added that the ‘victims had suffered enough’ and that Githongo should not underestimate "pain that you have caused certain people."

In case he(Githongo) had forgotten, loose lips sink ships and he had sunk some Titanics which was risky. In his bit by bit style, Githongo has also revealed that Ringera left all the questioning to his assistants while he was so bored he nearly picked his nose. As a great legal mind, it is unacceptable that he should leave the questioning to non-lawyers however good they are. One of them has since been sacked for stepping on some big toes. It is surprising therefore for Ringera to come back here and proclaim for us how helpful Githongo had been. In his latest, he says he provided extensive and intensive answers for them. Audio recordings of which are unavailable though, as the system has failed to record. What? Such an important event and they use faulty equipment? Assuming I buy that story, which I don’t.

It is quite obvious Ringera has no moral ground(or any other for that matter) to continue occupying his post). He has to justify his fat pay-larger than the president’s- to his masters. He even still thinks he has a conscience as he said in his statement: "on the strength of his conscience and his fidelity to the law and the Constitution of Kenya." The great lawyer’s mind that refused to work when it should have.

I am offering a prize for him if he steps down, he can take over as the Kenyan Hater and hate on all those who wanted him out. Jokes aside, we need an anti-corruption director for real because one should have resigned by now.

THE KENYAN HATER
www.kenyanhater.tk

ODM-K REGISTRATION

I am neither a friend of the government nor the Opposition (read the ODM-K and insignificant others). They both irritate me a great deal (many other people do, like Kalembe Ndile) But during the registration of the ODM and the successive circus, my disdain for them was divided.

It is a loosely kept secret that the ODM is just a bunch of spoilt noisemakers. No other party has more of these than them. They have all been in government before, some ven more than once. So they figured what we needed was yet another party. So they proceeded to attempt to register one, and sadly, succeeded. Acting on false confidence after wining the referendum, they sought to burden Kenyans with yet another part with a great manifesto on paper and not much action to support it. Kenyans voted against the proposed constitution because it was a bad document and not because they felt anything for the ODM.

You would think the government (NARC-K my foot!) would have them figured out by now. I expected them to hold their feet down and deny them a registration certificate for good. But for some reason decided within some quarters of government, they gave registered the party. An illegal party because there already exists a party with a near similar name(which is allegedly linked to some of the new party’s top brass). The government shied away from confrontation and abandoned their duty. Some government!
And the party- which was probably registered on Sunday evening and the certificate sent by registered mail the next morning- had a few of their surprises. The officials collected their certificate, photocopied and framed it, sneaked into the AG’s office blocks and then reappeared as if it had just been registered that very minute. To ‘prove’ to their supporters that their demands had been met. They seemed to say ‘see, the government is afraid of us.’ And nobody was missing the party, so much so that professor Anyan’g Nyong’o had to literally jump over a fence to join in. And a new party entered the fray.

Kalembe Ndile

The Kibwezi MP is a very irritable person. And it has nothing to do with his lack of formal education- he has achieved a lot actually. For according to Henry Fielding (1707-1754) English novelist, dramatist, "Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality." Kalembe just got the same elsewhere, or maybe during his short stint in public school. One closer home must be the one by Bertrand Russell "Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education." I beg to differ, by lack of it.

Moving on, what occured to the MP attending a Kamba cultural fete in Mwingi was outright despicable. As a Kamba, Kalembe had every right to attend the damn festival. It is something called an inalienable right. Mwingi North MP Kalonzo Musyoka(in whose constituency the event took place) and his Machakos Town neighbour David Mwanzia have denied responsibility for the attack. In fact, Kalonzo wants me to believe that he helped Kalembe escape when he realised the mob would not listen to his please for them to leave him alone. He was quoted in the media as saying: "There was little I could have done to assist my friend (Mr) Ndile. The crowd ignored all my pleas as their MP to calm down. I had no alternative but to request police officers to escort the assistant minister from the venue."

Good one brother Musyoka and I believe you totally. The same way I would believe 5-year-old my son if he only knows how to write his name and there was his name on the wall in his unmistakable handwriting. The youths who had wanted to beat up Mr Ndile were annoyed at him for showing disrespect to their honourable MP, one Kalonzo. Indeed some ODM-K leaders gloated on TV with straight faces that it served him right. After such displays, it is very hard for Kalonzo to convince me otherwise.

In the meantime, they hit the 'talk' industry. ODM leader Mutula alleged on a talk show that Kalembe had been sent by NARC-K to disrupt the rally-unsubstantiated. Koigi wa Wamwere swears Kalembe had info that he was to be beaten up at the rally and sought police protection(which they declined and he still went)-unsubstantiated.

That is Kenyan politics for you, on a good day.

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The Kenyan Hater

Kenya lose...to Eritrea

Most people like to make good first impressions. Not Frenchman Bernard Lama. He led the Kenyan team to loss during his FIRST

game as coach. Not a mean feat if you ask me. Maybe we didnt need another foreign coach after all. I am one of those who held for him even when guys thought he couldnt be of much benefit to us. Now I know better.

Somebody please tell monsieur Lama(in French preferably) that the only reason the KFF hired him is because we wanted wins. NOT LOSSES. If we had wanted to lose more games, we would have continued as we were. When a player is trying to pass the ball to his girlfriend on the stands, he clearly has no place on the pitch(unless your coach is French and a former goalkeeper) Eritrea is ranked a cool 60 places behind Kenya by FIFA and we lost to them on our soil. I would want a reason from Mr Lama to remove that picture up there that prcoclams that Kenya WE SUCK only after the good Frenchman gives me sufficient evidence-through goals, goddamnit! In the meantime, I will continue to proclaim it that somebody needs to fire a fotball coach somewhere very soon.

If I were in the KFF, there would be a jobless coach by now. Quite simply.

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The Kenyan Hater

ODM-Kenya

I just had to spread some hate over this, you know how I do. Their machinations took them to some executive lodge over at Lukenya Hills. At this place with a Kao name I can’t pronounce, they plotted how they must take power and serve their interests come 2007. Pray honourable gentlemen and ladies (what exactly is honourable or gentle about you is open to question) what tells you we need another party? Two of the world’s most developed economies, the US an Britain have only 2-3 parties each. Half of you are the same guys we elected into office last year only to abandon us and join the Opposition (which we didn’t elect). The other half belongs to the party that ruled this country for a cool 42years.

There is nothing new that you are going to give Kenyans now that you could not over the last so many years and just is just the way it is. In your action plan, you mention nothing about the economy even when the government claims it grew by an unrealistic 5.8% last year. Politics, and of selfish interests at that, will not provide food to Kenyans. Their livelihood is directly dependent on the economy that you say nothing about. And did I mention that campaign websites as well? Former US president had it on point: “it’s the economy, stupid!” Your own leader Mutula Kilonzo on KISS 100’s Crossfire that you have too much talent(read ego) than you can manage. Incidentally, Uhuru is a former ‘next president’ of Kenya and so is Raila. If I were you, I would take to worrying about global warming like Al Gore does these days. Don’t you losers get it? [Right-minded] Kenyans will never elect you. Sadly, Kenyans have a ‘chequered’ history of electing losers.

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The Kenyan Hater

Patriotism

Its patriotism season and the government’s chief spinner- who gets paid to do nothing at all- is going on and on about it. Poor guy, he even ends his press briefings with “jina langu ni Alfred Mutua na najivunia kuwa Mkenya.” Whatever. And remove those silly pictures of those Chinese journalists in your office from your website, damn it. Moving on, I know only of a few instances when Kenyans are truly patriotic. One is when they win one of those suicidal races they win(and promptly change their nationalities and acquire hard names). The other two are when one of our own wins the Nobel Peace Prize or leaves the country for greener pastures. Yes, we are that cheap. Last is when the son of a Kenyan wins a US Senate seat and comes touring.

At all other times Kenyans are just embarrassed, annoyed or bemused to belong here. Street variations include navumilia kuwa Mkenya(see strip), naumia kuwa Mkenya and najihurumia kuwa Mkenya. But Dr. Mutua is not alone in his posturing. He has a willing partner in the KTB that runs those ‘Inspired by Kenya’ ads on TV. The good “doctor” is concentrating on billboards and sticking paper on people’s cars. Paper that could be put to better use in ID issuance purposes. Or replacing the stock that was wasted in printing the proposed new constitution that never was. If you want to know why am so livid, read Chinua Achebe’s masterpiece The Problem with Nigeria. All you need to do is to substitute the Nigeria with Kenya and you got what am on about.

Know what Dr Mutua, I feel nothing for your latest pastime. You can go jump into the Indian Ocean if you want. That would a plus for me, one less government official to worry about.

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The Kenyan Hater

The Kenyan Hater Intro

If this were a book, it would be a bestseller. Kenyans being who they are however share, steal or photo copy books so they dont know what a bestseller is. They are books that are so good they sell millions of copies and earn their writers gazillions of shillings so they can retire peacefully. The Da Vinci Code is a recent example that has been read by some 40million readers(bet you didnt know that).Losers like us blog. Its such a pity for with the ind of creaivity in my head, I should probably be on some hip radio/TV show or working for some reputable ad agency. Instead they hire some dumb peope(like that str8up guy) who should be banished to singing lullabies at old people's homes forever. But hey, c'est la vie!

All in all, am here to spread some hate on everything and everybody. More precisely, am here to tell it as it is(those despicable Sprite people stole my idea, shindwe!). No sugar coating, no euphemisms, just some hard-hitting facts you don’t want to hear. Attention? Yes, am doing this for the attention, stupid. Why else would I spend my precious time and money on something am not going to be paid to do? And that is the problem with you Kenyans: you don’t think!

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The Kenyan Hater